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A summary of some of the Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC) tips in Chapters Four and Five of the book. |  |
| DO | DON’T |
|---|---|
| Give someone the benefit of the doubt | Assume the worst about them |
| Ask questions out of genuine curiosity | Ask a series of leading questions designed to entrap |
| Ask questions in an inquisitive, inviting, friendly tone | Ask questions in an inquisitional, prosecutorial tone |
| Listen first, then speak | Pretend to listen, then say whatever you were going to say anyway |
| Ask for elaboration or clarification with questions like “Can you say more about….?” or “What do you mean by __?” | Assume or guess at someone’s meaning |
| Try to ascertain the person’s (and your own) underlying world view, the narrative that gives rise to one’s beliefs and values | Denigrate their world view. (If you don’t like it, you can ask questions about it and share your own world view) |
| Ask how someone’s religious faith shapes their opinions and values | Dismiss their faith as unscientific, ridiculous or patriarchal |
| Invite someone to consider the issue through someone else’s perspective | Tell them how they would see the issue if they were someone else |
| Tell people that you believe their beliefs or actions can be hurtful and why | Tell people they should be ashamed of themselves for believing/doing XYZ |
| Ask people what Trump has accomplished and how it’s benefited them personally | Tell people they’re gullible/racist fools for buying into Trump’s/GOP’s promises |
| Ask people to define inflammatory words like “freeloaders” and “nanny state” | Get triggered by loaded words and lash back |
| Tell the story of how you came to your beliefs using the past tense as much as possible | Recite dogma or state your beliefs as universal, absolute truths |
| Share your thought process | Say that the other person’s thought process is flawed (eg. Illogical) |
| Say that you see a contradiction or a double standard in what the other person is saying | Say that the other person is being “hypocritical” or more covertly attack their position |
| Explain how you came to learn about something from a trusted source | Say that your facts represent the unvarnished truth and are not subject to skepticism |
| Hold off on sharing facts until after some trust or common ground is developed | Bombard people with facts or give facts unless they want them |
| Share your fears and worries. | Be alarmist, urgent or overly emphatic |
| Speak in the first person about your own beliefs, experiences and mistakes | Use the royal “we” |
| Express your beliefs subjectively and don’t refer to them as “moral” beliefs | Express your beliefs as objective truth or moral dictates. |
| Use the word “and” to validate something and then add nuance to it | Use the word “but” when doing so would negate what came before it |
| Refer to proposals or votes by “Congress” or “politicians” or, if necessary, to “President Trump” | Call out Trump or Republicans if you can avoid it |
| Explain why you believe a belief to reflect prejudice or stereotypes | Name-call people as racists, sexists or bigots unless they self-identify as white supremacists |
| Admit when you’re not sure about something or learn something from the other person | Exaggerate or fabricate facts to counter a valid point the other person made or stubbornly refuse to acknowledge it |
| Listen, slow down and respond thoughtfully. In many cultures, people take time to reflect before speaking. An awkward pause is better than blurting out something inflammatory. | Rush |
| Show respect when it's legitimate | Say "with all due respect" which usually makes the other person brace for criticism |
| Be courteous, humble and patient even if the other person isn’t. | Attack or insult, especially online where hundreds of other people can see it. |
| Meet people where they’re at, not where you want them to be. (Not everyone spends their days reflecting on hetero-normativism and white privilege). | Shame people’s ignorance |
| Say “When you interrupt me, it makes me lose my train of thought. If you interrupt me again, I’m going to want to stop talking for now. If you let me finish my thought, I think we’ll be able to continue having a good conversation.” | Passively-aggressively tolerate interrupting if it bothers you |
| Be humble and gracious if someone acknowledges the validity of what you’re saying | Be a know-it-all or tack on a smug “gotcha!” punchline. No one likes to be wrong so don’t gloat if someone shifts their thinking or they’ll probably shift right back. |
| Acknowledge misconduct or policy failures on the part of Democrats or progressives | Rationalize bad behavior or hold members of “your team” to a lower standard |
| Question your own assumptions and beliefs | Lose your capacity for critical thinking by subscribing to groupthink |
| Be open to nuance | Imprison yourself in either/or dualities |
| Continue the dialogue as long as both of you want to | Insist on continuing when the other person wants to stop or push yourself when you’re starting to get tired or impatient |
| Say “It seem like this is an issue you feel very passionately about. Would you like to continue talking now or would you rather come back to it another time or not talk about it at all?” | Ignore the other person’s agitation |
| Ask if the other person feels it would be fruitful to continue talking | Say “let’s agree to disagree” as this common phrase is a passive-aggressive form of controlling the end of the dialogue |
| Understand where the other person is coming from before stating your position. | Short-circuit the conversation by rushing to insert your agenda. |
| Talk one-on-one with someone. | Talk politics in a group setting where the most extreme person will dominate and will not want to “lose face” in front of others |